His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
