If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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