did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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