what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
