Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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