I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
