Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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