If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
