Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
