Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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