i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
