Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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