You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
