he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
