Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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