Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
