i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
