Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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