I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
