I think i peed on brittanys purse
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
