i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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