So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
