you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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