when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
