I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
