im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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