someone get that fucking seahorse.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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