My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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