o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
