believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
