Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
