i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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