can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
