Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
