Your face is a jimmy john
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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