We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
