You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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