all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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