i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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