when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
