The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
