my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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