I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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