forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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