he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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