i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
