I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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