Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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