It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
