A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
