i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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