Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
