every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
