a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
