So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
