How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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