i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
